Conversations with the husband

/ posted in: Family

Female praying mantises bite the head off their mate after they are done with them. I always thought that was a bit harsh but at least they don’t have conversations like this.

A few nights ago I was laying in bed and wanted to talk to the husband. But I was lazy and didn’t want to get up. So I called his cell phone but he had it turned off. Then I used the remote to hit the wall between the bedroom where I was and the room where he was. No response to repeated banging. Finally I got up and went into the other room.

Me: What if I was bleeding to death? What if the cat had ripped out my throat and that was the only way I had to communicate my distress call?
Him: (laughing) I guess you would have died.

Then after 10 minutes of unrelated conversation he says, “I was thinking, if the cat did rip out your throat she probably had a good reason.”
Me: What?
Him: Well, it’s not something she’d normally do, you know. So you must have provoked her.

Thanks for your concern sweetie. And quit fantasizing about the cat ripping out my throat.

Another time I was extolling the virtues of my new makeup. I have been developing really big baggy dark circles under my eyes. They make me look like I had my nose broken in a bar fight while on a six month bender. I decided to do something about it and headed to the medicated part of the cosmetic aisle. I found some cream that was supposed to lighten them and it is actually working. I tell him this because I’m happy and then add, “I took a moment in the grocery store aisle to come to terms with having to buy the age-repairing makeup but if it all works this well I’m going to go get some of the “fine lines and wrinkles” stuff next.”

He stared at me a moment and then said, “Yeah, you are looking a little rough.” He had the sense to duck as he said it though.

Ok, I consider that full deserved payback for me telling him that he had pores after I got my glasses.

But I understand the female mantis’ point of view.