Guide to Naming Pets

/ posted in: GeneralWork

A public service announcement on the naming of pets:

1. I think it is creepy to name pets after real people and then refer to them by the full first and last name. Example – “So how long has Ernest Hemingway been peeing outside the litterbox?”

2. If you name your pet after a fictional animal be careful crossing species lines. This became an issue after The Lion King came out. There are so many dog Nalas and Simbas. If those dogs knew they were named after cats they would not be amused. The only acceptable variation of this is for Pomeranians.

3. You can cross species if they are far enough apart. Baloo doesn’t have to be reserved for bears. I don’t care if that isn’t logical.

4. Never, ever, ever cross gender. I am going to use the appropriate pronoun for the name and then you are going to yell at me. My personal pet peeve on this is the name Artemis. She was a freaking Goddess, people. Don’t disrespect her by naming a male after her. Now I have recently learned about the Artemis Fowl books that have obviously led a generation astray and led to lots of male Artemises but I’m still grumpy about it.

5. Don’t name your pet after something that you can neither pronounce nor spell, especially if you are apt to get pissy whenever someone else does it correctly. I feel this way about Versailles KY too. I could never live there because I’d feel like an ignoramus ever time I had to say Ver-sales.

6. Do not name your pet after bodily fluids or excrement. You’d think that would go without saying but obviously not. That one is by request of every vet staffer who has to go into a crowded lobby and yell your pet’s embarrassing name.

I hope this helps.