How to Annoy Your Non-Christian Friends on Facebook

/ posted in: Ranting and RavingReligion

Have you not caused enough non-Christian eye rolling and sighing lately?  Is it the wrong time of year to pull out your War Against Christmas gifs?  Try these helpful suggestions.

Be Holier Than Everyone Else

To quote the great St. Weird Al of Yankovic’s epistle to the masses–Amish Paradise – “I know that I’m a million times as humble as thou art.”

Some of the most effective posts using this technique are ones that imply you are ashamed of Jesus of you don’t share this post immediately.  It couldn’t possibly be that you aren’t interested in passing along stupid memes.  It means that you are denying Christ just like it said would happen in the Bible!

Thank God for Random Things

“I just took my car to the garage and my favorite mechanic was there!  God is SO GOOD!”

Let’s get this straight. God rearranged the entire universe so you wouldn’t have to interact with someone new?  Why didn’t he just make your car not break in the first place? Maybe you should send a cookie basket to the person who actually schedules the mechanics at your garage.

Claim Miracles

Your husband is in the hospital with a whole list of ailments?  After you list them all, immediately add “I give God all the thanks for this diagnosis!!”

Really? Did a set of these drop down on the foot of his bed – miraculously avoiding breaking his toes of course.?

Of course the 10 Commandments were written in English, silly!

If this didn’t happen, maybe you should add some medical professionals to your cookie basket buying list.

Aggressively Search Out the Bright Side

Find a Facebook friend who is having a bad time.  It has to be a real bad time like sudden onset of debilitating chronic illness, not just a vague “Prayers please” post.  Now everytime this friend posts something sad about her life blow up her comments with cheer.

Lines to get you started:

“Our God is bigger than this.”

“God has such a great plan for you.”

“You will have such a great testimony after this.”

“It’s just a flesh wound!” Maybe that’s something else….

Be secure in the knowledge that you are turning the thoughts of the non-Christians reading this to God. They are probably thinking that these are some really heartless things to say to someone who is suffering and if you God is so big why doesn’t he just fix it.  That would get people’s attention. But, they are thinking about Christianity!


My problem is that because of my former life I can understand the sentiment behind the trite phrases that conservative Christians use.  I don’t think that they understand how stupid and sometimes cruel most of it sounds to non-Christians though.