I was scheduled to leave Minneapolis yesterday at 4:35 pm. I got on the airplane all nice and fine but it went downhill from there. It was storming in Chicago. I had to change planes in Chicago. Chicago wasn’t letting anyone fly into there though. So we sat on the tarmac until getting permission to leave at 7:00 pm.

So of course by this time Chicago is way backed up with getting people out. My flight was supposed to leave at 8:20 pm. We boarded the plane at 11:30 pm. Then we sat again because there were storms somewhere else and no one could leave Chicago unless they were going west. Through it all I never saw any rain.

I was supposed to get home at about 11:00 last night. I crawled into bed at 3:30 am this morning.

Snowball did wake up long enough to get one pat and then wandered back to bed. But she lives in a delayed reaction zone of the universe because she woke me up at about 8:00. Apparently she had just realized that I had been gone and then I came home and she should be excited about that. So she got on the bed (she has a box to use as a step), laid down on my pillow, and started to lick my hand in paroxyms of joy. It is nice to be loved but I would have liked a bit more sleep.

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On Thursday I was stuck here because my car was still stuck in the driveway. I was not happy. I was supposed to go to a funeral for the long-time girlfriend of my cousin.

I was talking to my mom the night before and she kept mentioning “the girls.”
Me: What girls?
Mom: Her girls
Me: (In a shocked tone) She had kids?
Mom: 3 daughters, 8 grandkids, and 2 great-grandkids
Me: Great-grandkids????? How old was she?
Mom: She was my age. 57.
Me: Oh My God!! I had no idea she was that old!
Mom: Thank you, dear.

But my point was that I had no idea. I knew she was older than my cousin who is 42. I didn’t know she was lots older than my cousin though. My admiration went way up. I’ve decided that I’m going to dump my first husband and get me a boy toy too. I also had no idea about the kids. It wasn’t like this was a person I had met once in passing. I have spent most major holidays with her for the past 10 years. I had no idea she had kids. Turns out that these aren’t estranged kids either. She and my cousin were very much a part of their lives but I guess they never discussed her family when they were with his family.

So Thursday I was cleaning stalls because that’s what you do when your other option is being stuck in the house with the evil mother-in-law. I was thinking about having my boarder basically dumped on me. I started getting mad about that too. Then I just totally melted down. Started crying and everything. So I called my husband and yelled at him because that’s why I have him. I had three points:

1. Rosie has been dumped on me and I don’t want it. Tell her owner to take care of her or get her out of here.
2. I need someone strong to carry the last stuff out of the arena so I can ride and I’m sick of his excuses.
3. He got my car stuck and he doesn’t even care that I can’t go to the funeral.

Poor boy didn’t know what hit him. He promised to fix all these things. Had I known that it would have worked that well I would have made sure I had other points too.

He came home and kissed me on the cheek and handed me a chocolate ice cream bar. Apparently, he thinks that I can be bought cheap. I ate the ice cream while deciding if I should be offended or not. He got the car out and I left for my parents’ late Thursday night.

The funeral was Friday morning. This was the perfect opportunity to discuss my death plan with my brother. I had been meaning to do this since the husband’s grandmother died. The husband has never been to a funeral and is refusing to go to mine so he said that I have to put my brother in charge. Actually, he said my mother but I’ve decided to outlive her so I substituted my brother. My family was in the funeral home as I brought up the subject with my brother.

Me: You’re in charge of my funeral. (I explained why.)
Him: Ok. I’ll just throw your body out on the side of the road somewhere.
Me: I don’t care what you do with my body. Wait, actually, I do.
Him: Burial at sea. A Viking funeral!
Me: I want to be cremated. You can spread my ashes on the pasture because you always need fertilizer out there.
Laughter from the cousins sitting behind me
Him: Instead of a hearse we can haul you to the funeral home in a horse trailer.
Me: Yes!
Him: I can throw your ashes in a manure spreader and scatter you that way.
Me: See, I knew you’d do me right!

By this time the cousins were actively involved in the planning but the funeral started so we had to stop. Later when we were going to the reception one commented that she couldn’t wait for my funeral. This got us several shocked looks from bystanders. I agree. It will be a good time. Too bad I won’t be able to be there in person. I also took a survey and none of my cousins or my brother had any idea the dead person had kids. That made me feel better. I also asked my mother if she had a whole group of people in her life who would be shocked to meet me at her funeral. She assures me that that won’t happen.

This funeral had its good points too. There was an upbeat eulogy and singing. Then a son-in-law read a story book about how you feel after you die that was very good. The low point was when the pastor spoke. Very boring. Another part of my death plan is No Pastors. I didn’t want to bring that up around my mother though. Still in the closet about the pagan thing with her.

All in all I’m envisioning something like the funeral from Love Actually but without the Bay City Rollers. It almost makes me want a long lingering death so I have time to record the voice-over for the slideshow myself.

After the funeral we went to the organized food place and then we all went to my parents’ house for even more food. Then I slept because I’m still sick. I got up early this morning and drove back her for a 4-H meeting at 2:00. After that I made the husband clean stuff out of my arena. And now we are up to date.

2 Replies to “The rest of the story….”

  1. I think you should start considering adoption. I would take you, but I am too old to start another family. 😉

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