The Gift of Not Belonging
by Rami KaminskiGenres: Psychology / Personality
Length: 4:34
Published on June 17, 2025
Pages: 240
Format: Audiobook Source: Library
From a renowned psychiatrist comes the first book to explore the otrovert personality—someone who feels like an outsider in any group—revealing all the advantages of being an otrovert.
Were you the kid who never wanted to join after school clubs or go to sleepaway camp? Do you loathe parties but love spending time with close friends one-on-one? Are you allergic to teamwork but thrive creatively and professionally when working alone? Do you struggle to fit in? If so, you are likely an otrovert.
Otroverts are not natural born joiners. Unlike introverts, they are not shy or quiet, and do not quickly tire from one-on-one socializing. Yet in large groups they feel uncomfortable, alienated, and alone.
Unlike those who have been excluded or marginalized, otroverts are embraced and often quite popular. Yet they never feel like they truly belong.
In a culture that puts a premium on joining, many otroverts have gone through life feeling misunderstood. But, contrary to what we have been taught, argues psychiatrist Rami Kaminski, belonging is not a requirement for living a rich, rewarding life. Quite the opposite.
When you have no affinity for a particular group, your self-worth is not conditioned on the group’s approval. You can enjoy deep connection in individual relationships without the obligation to follow the rules the group follows, or care about what the group cares about. Best of all, you know of no other way to think or be, other than for yourself.
The Gift of Not Belongingurges otroverts to embrace their unique gifts, and equips them with the knowledge and tools to thrive in a communal world.
I don’t know if I buy his theory on otroverts. I think that he is mostly describing poor parented/traumatized introverts.
I say this as a person who scored very high on his little otrovert test at the end of the book.
His criteria for otroverts are:
- Lack of a communal impulse
- Always an observer, never a true participant
- Nonconforming
- Independent, or original thinking
The problem is, the first thing he said was that being an otrovert is a binary distinction. Either you are one or you aren’t. You can’t have a few traits and not others. Yeah, don’t be saying that to people you go on to describe as original thinkers who don’t confirm to what authority figures say. We’ll listen to the rest of the book trying to poke holes in the theory.
Most of his otrovert clients seemed to have been sent in for therapy by parents who didn’t understand that they didn’t want to be rebellious teenagers. As a person who never wanted to be a rebellious teenager, I can’t understand why parents would be concerned about that. Be happy you have a decent kid. Don’t send them to therapy for it. I was feeling this section. I never wanted to go to camp or live in a dorm in college. Those activities sounded like hell on earth.
But then he goes on and on about how otroverts don’t understand things like being a sports fan.
Happy “It’s Finally Football Season!” to those who celebrate. #vols #tennesseefootball
— Heather (@dvmheather.bsky.social) August 30, 2025 at 1:16 PM
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Yeah, that was me the “otrovert” rabid football fan posting on social media the day I was finishing this book. He gave lots of examples of groups we don’t understand. I understand and do most all of them.
I’ll grant him the example of otrovert not being part of the group until you give us an assigned role. I listen to a group talk for hours and never say a word but give me a microphone and I’ll talk nonstop. Public speaking? Love it! Competed super successfully as a kid in it. Small talk with a person at a table at a dinner? Nope. I don’t feel the need because I have nothing of significance to say. Back to the camp example – I would have never been a camper but I loved being a camp counselor because I had a role. He would call that typical otrovert behavior.
I also physically stand on the outside of a group. At family dinners I never sit at the table for longer than it takes to eat. I stand away from the table and watch while other people sit and talk. Again, I don’t talk in the group discussion unless I have something pertinent to say. I don’t talk for the sake of talking. I maybe say a sentence or two in 3-4 hours.
Is it just me that thinks this is pretty typical introvert behavior?
He said other things that didn’t fit me and I’m not sure even make sense. He called otroverts so empathetic that they bond tightly to most people they see even casually. Everyone wants to be their friend because of it? I don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone like that.
The author is also very dismissive of non-otrovert people. He calls them communal and refers to them as a “hive mind.” He implies that they only act out of a need to do what everyone else is doing. He seems to think that everyone in this group is a person who does whatever the head of their high school clique or their favorite social media influencer tells them to do with no thoughts of their own.
If this audiobook had been any longer than 4.5 hours I would have gotten bored and DNFed it.
