Emotional Rollercoasters

I talked to the ex today. Always enlightening. Yesterday I sent him a long heartfelt email that was basically a last attempt at reconciliation. Even when I was writing it I wasn’t sure that from a totally rational viewpoint that it was the best thing for me to do. I believe that I could make a reconciliation work but I don’t know that he would be willing to do what it would take. To sum it up I in essence said that I was willing to start over from this point with a clean slate. If he had any interest at all in reconciliation then we should go into counseling to discuss all our issues. We should also just go out and do something fun. We haven’t had a conversation that hasn’t been life or death since sometime this spring. I laid it all out. He needs to either tell me that we are definitely divorcing or that we will try counseling. No more “I don’t know.”

So today he was here. (Dog hid from him again.) He didn’t want to talk about it yet. Said he needed to think more because he just hadn’t had time to think about it. Gee, I think that this should be an important thing to think about.

Then he tells me about his ex-girlfriends. One he met up with this summer in Atlanta by chance. She’s been calling him and telling him that she loves him. I knew this from an earlier conversation. He also told me that she’s gorgeous and willing to have babies for him. I knew that too. What I didn’t know is that she is moving here. He says it was planned before he met up with her again. He says it’s a sign. He says that objectively anyone would tell him that he’d be crazy not to pursue a relationship with her. After all, she’s gorgeous.

He can’t understand why this discussion upsets me. I told him it was because he was married. He says that he told her that but she’s persistent. I told him not to answer her calls. He says that he avoids most of them. Asshole. He says that he hasn’t done anything but talk with her and I do believe that. He’s so clueless that he would tell me if he was sleeping with her. He says that I need to know these things so I can understand all the decisions that he has to make. He says that the fact that we are still discussing this means that he loves me and that he does want to be with me but he doesn’t want to spend his life wondering “what if” about her. He says that the fact that he can’t make up his mind isn’t a good omen for me.

Then he says that he found out that he has a daughter. This isn’t a shock either. He’s wondered for a long time. This was from a relationship that was over long before me. After she ended it he found out that she was pregnant. She never contacted him. He had some friends in the area where she lives find out the exact age of the girl. It fits the time frame that they were dating and they say she looks like him. He hasn’t contacted his ex yet. That doesn’t really change anything for me but it just adds to the general confusion.

Back to the one chasing him. He says that this helps him make a decision because he knows if he leaves me that he won’t have to be alone. There are not enough swear words to voice my feelings over that statement.

After all this, he has the nerve to be mad at me! He’s furious that I “forced” the adoption on him and made him come to the decision that he was going to leave me. Then when I was willing to discuss biological children with him, he says that it was attempt to mess with his mind and change the rules on him. How can I expect him to make a decision so quickly?

For me the decision comes down to two questions. Do you love me? He says yes. Do you want to be with me? He says yes but not with conditions. By that he means that compromising on the kid question by planning on both biological and adopted kids.

I think he finally pushed me over the edge to being completely angry. The thing that makes me the maddest is that he is totally blind to the fact that he’s treating me like shit. No one “needs” to hear that her husband is weighing her qualities against another woman “logically” and that she’s losing. In his mind he is the sole wronged party. He’s never even acknowledged the fact that because of his actions I lost both my husband and my soon-to-be daughter on the same day. Nope, I put him through Hell by making him decide to leave. He doesn’t know if he could ever trust me again.

After writing this I’m even more pissed.


  • Turtleheart

    What a jacka$$! Good Goddess, could he be any more self-serving or self-centered? It sounds to me like he HAS made up his mind– he wants what HE wants, regardless of how it effects you.

    A relationship requires the effort of both people, and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to be part of that, he’s expecting you to do all the work, while he does what he wants. He’s giving you absolutely nothing. That’s bull$hit. And an insult to the warm, loving, giving, mature, strong, beautiful woman that you are.

    You deserve so much better than this!

  • Ganesha's girl

    I’m with the other girls here, chickie. Youare doing the right thing. Don’t you doubt it. Do what you need to do and take him to the cleaners.

    This man is disrespecting you. You are worth more than that, and have valuable beauty to give the world. Don’t stand for this.

    What a sod.

  • Linda

    You should be pissed. He is a [email protected]$k! Just him implying that you would be lucky if he picks you over this other girl! UGGGHHH!!! Ok. I know I don’t know you, but it seems like you have tried to do everything you can & he is just sleppin’ you down. You deserve to be first choice! And, you should make yourself your own first choice!

  • Neoskya

    I think he has made his decision very clear. It sounds as though he wants to give it a go with this other woman no matter what the status between the two of you is at the moment. If you took him back I would expect that he would carry on a relationship with this other woman for a while in addition. You deserve to be the one and only love of someone else. You should never have to share you man.
    Also since this crisis was triggered by his need for biological children he should have come back around to you knowing that he has one. He is just being selfish to the 10th degree right now. Do you want to be a woman that waits for him assuming he comes back to his senses?

  • quiltpixie

    run — do not walk — to your nearest divorced friend and get the name of their lawyer. Then Call! If he’s not able/ready to commit to this relationship he’s not able/ready to work on it, or have it. Anger is good, it can provide the energy needed to change the situation. Use it! 🙂

  • vonne

    Get a copy of that book — “He’s Just Not That Into You”
    Then cut your losses and thank your lucky stars that you found out he’s a pile of shit before you actually adopted. He doesn’t sound like father material to me. On the other hand, Just from what I’ve read, I think you’d be a great mom!
    Kick him to the curb, girly….. even Dog is through with him.

  • Willow

    “He says that this helps him make a decision because he knows if he leaves me that he won’t have to be alone. There are not enough swear words to voice my feelings over that statement.”

    I don’t blame you one bit. I don’t believe he can be so… absent of mind.
    I thought guys grew out of being idiots just a *little* bit after about age 20.
    My thoughts are with you, as they have been through the last two/three months i’ve been reading this blog.
    Maybe you should tell him you’re weighing him up against the dog, and the dog’s winning… Perhaps immature but it’s the only idea I have. =]
    Stay Strong
    In love and light,

  • Kati

    No shit!!!! What Violet said!!!!! Great Mother Goddess, Heather, you deserve SOOOOOOOOOO much better than what he’s doing to you. (((((HUGS))))) and *****stay strong***** vibes.

  • jen's mom

    He doesn’t deserve you, little dear. You’ve been heroic and mature. He is emotionally detached…his words are abusive. Easy for me to say that it’s time to release him. I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. You deserve better. I wish you peace.

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