I remember in the first few days after my marriage died that I wished it was two months later. That way I’d be through the most intense of the emotional pain. I couldn’t really imagine that things would be better. I really couldn’t even conceive of two months passing. At that point every day felt like it was lasting for months.
So now it is two months later. I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would be like this.
1. My former life seemed like it happened years ago to someone else.
2. I am over most of the grief of the marriage breaking up. There are new forms of grief that show up every so often. The last one was when I was trying to make decisions about what I wanted to do professionally. I had a nice pity party for myself for a day about having planned it pretty well until he messed it up and then I was able to tell myself to get over it and move on.
3. I’m more optimistic about the future than I’ve been in a long time. Before my future was pretty planned out. Now, anything is possible. It is scary but exciting.
4. I’m a totally different person than I was in my marriage. I decided early on to go back to what I’m thinking of as “Bolivian Me.” I was in Bolivia in September of my last year of vet school. Thinking back it was the last time I could remember feeling totally open to everything and not caring about other people’s opinions. It was a feeling of adventurousness and fun that I hadn’t had since. I tend to be pretty reserved in real life. Now I’m more outgoing.
5. I’m operating on a policy of full disclosure. The ex was always so concerned about what other people thought that he seemed to want to “spin” information. That could range from being mad if I would tell my mom about business trips he was on to having him make up stories that were absolutely untrue but showed him in a better light than reality. I never went along with this and it caused problems. So another thing I decided as soon as he was gone that there were going to be no more lies.
6. It all seems to be working for me so far. People I’ve met in the past few months seem to think that I’m hysterically funny (I think in a good way) and that I’m fun to be around. It is a huge change from listening to the ex tell me that I’m no fun in social situations because I don’t drink.
In the middle of writing this post the ex called. He wanted to come pick up some more stuff today but he isn’t feeling well. I said that I have bronchitis and am on antibiotics. He said maybe it was best if he didn’t come over if I was contagious. I started laughing and said, “It isn’t like I’m going to be kissing you!” He didn’t quite know how to respond. I think he’s noticed the difference in me and doesn’t quite get it. I’m happier now and I’m sure that not exactly what he expected to have happen.