I Want It That Way

/ posted in: Work

I couldn’t sleep last night. My brain wouldn’t turn off. There are a few things going on.

1. The SO and I are sort-of fighting/disagreeing about his desire to move. He is dissatisfied with his job here and wants to move for promotion opportunities. I say that he is blindly running away from a not so great situation instead of heading towards something specific that he wants so what makes him think he is going to like what he gets any better than what he has now? Why uproot everyone’s lives on a whim?

2. I spent a lot of time yesterday listening to my acupuncture lectures. Specifically they were lectures on starting an equine acupuncture practice and a small animal acupuncture practice. I keep saying this over and over but acupuncture is my point of no return. I’ve been slowly moving towards the point where I’m bumping up against the limits of what western medicine can do in chronic disease conditions and I want to do something else.

So last night I was laying in bed and these ideas were meshing in my mind. He wants to move. I could start fresh. But what if I couldn’t find a holistic friendly practice that would let me do what I want? What do I want? Imagine in an ideal world what you would be doing in five years.

I’d have a small space like a converted garage on our property or a small building somewhere where I could have a dedicated holistic practice. I’d see small animals there and do some traveling to work on horses.

Ok, so how do I get there? There were some really good ideas in the lectures I listened to but moving to a whole new area to start this would be tough. I have bills to pay. I could do relief work to make money. I know an agency in the area that he wants to go to that would help find me work. But thinking that pulled me back from the warm fuzzies of doing my own thing and back into the world that I’m trying to move away from. Then it all came together. I could use the agency some but also advertise myself as an independent relief vet on my own terms. In those cases I could say, “Hey, I have these other skills. Do you object to me incorporating them?” That could lead to eventual referrals. I could offer to treat a staff member’s animal at reduced cost. Happy receptionists are the key to referrals.

If we don’t move I know some vets in this area who would let me work on their clients. When I am at a point to start seeing cases I need to talk to them. I’ve already told staff members at one clinic that I’m taking the class just to get the idea in their heads.

Even though I was feeling a bit better about my professional life, (I like to have a plan) I still couldn’t sleep. So I went downstairs to read so I didn’t wake up the SO. I finished my book and then went to the book shelf to find something else. My hand went right to The Dance of the Dissident Daughter. I read for a while and then fell asleep.

I’m going to say that it was late and I was tired and that’s why the symbolism of being drawn to a book about personal transformation didn’t slap me in the face until this morning. I canceled sewing day because I just felt that I needed to be here. As I re-read her spiritual journey in the book I was drawn to the comparisons. She fights through self-doubt and the fear of other people’s opinions. I’m worried about making a living trying to go the way I want to. I got to a point in the book where she felt it necessary to have some sort of ritual to say that she was setting off on a new journey. I decided to do that too. First I got up to take a shower. There was music playing in my head. I didn’t know what it was at first. I laughed when I realized what it was. “I Want It That Way”. Great, my great transformation is going to have the soundtrack provided by the Backstreet Boys. The only lyrics to that songs I even knew were, “Tell me why” and “I want it that way.” Well, that seemed appropriate.

I lit some incense and spend some time centering and focusing and just putting it out for the universe that this is what I want. Good intention and focus and all that stuff. I tend to be much more of a practical person than an affirmation person but it can’t hurt. Naming it is the first step to making a plan. I watched the smoke come off the incense for a while just marveling in the beauty of it twisting and turning in the air.

I came downstairs and decided to look up the lyrics since the song was still playing in my head. Here’s the end of the song.

“Now I can see that we’re falling apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me…

You are my fire
The one desire
You are
You are, you are, you are

Don’t wanna hear you say
Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache
Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake
(Don’t wanna hear you say)
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain’t nothin but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
(Don’t wanna hear you say it)
I want it that way
I want it that way ”

Yeah, ok, I can appreciate my unconscious’s sense of humor, but really? Did it have to be the Backstreet Boys?