It’ll Kill You Dead!!

/ posted in: Family

Z is scared of everything. Everything. You know that scene in Ghostbusters where the StayPuff marshmallow man tries to kill them? I think that’s how she sees the world. The most benign thing is just waiting to rise up and murder her.

It took me months to get her to be able to use the toaster. There was much screaming and crying about how scared she was. But she had it down. Then yesterday her father saw her trying to get a stuck piece of food out of it with a fork and he yelled at her and told her…..she was going to die. I kid you not.  No wonder the kid is totally f%&*ed up.

I washed my hands of both of them and went to work. But I wasn’t letting this go. By the time I came home the kid had totally reverted to babyhood and couldn’t do anything. I just smiled and let him deal.  This morning she was whimpering about how he needed to make her breakfast for her because she was afraid to die. I started arguing with the SO about the odds of death by toaster. He ended up looking it up online.

Fifteen people die a year from toasters. Toasters are now insulated to protect you from damage if you touch a fork to them. You pretty much have to try to kill yourself with a toaster.

I made him look up the odds of dying by falling out of bed. One million people a year go to the ER from bed related injuries. I told Z that she was never allowed to sleep in a bed without being bungee corded in ever again. It was obviously way too dangerous!  Let’s not even get into the odds of drowning at the waterpark we are going to today.

He kept saying that death by toaster could happen. I said that a meteor could come through the ceiling and crush her while she was waiting for the toaster to be done but there is no point in living in fear.

I swear at this rate she’ll be unable to feed herself until she’s 30.