I was minding my own business this morning when a woman said to me, “Guess what? I’m getting married soon!”
This came as a bit of a shock to put it mildly. She has a stream of guys and the only ones she keeps for any length of time are the ones she ought not to. I said, “Really?”
“Yep, sometimes in the next six months or so.” She then proceeded to tell me that she is back with an old boyfriend who used to choke her when he drank or got high. I must have made the shocked face because she added quickly that he’s been sober for nine years now. Ok, good for him. The next question must have been showing on my face because she said that she’s been clean for nine days.
Turns out that they went to talk to her old pastor about a life plan. He told them that if they were thinking about living together they should just get married.
Let’s review –
1) This is a previously abusive relationship.
2) They just started dating again.
3) One is sober and one is not.
What about this says to someone, “Those crazy kids should go get hitched”? This is a case where a trial run of living together makes sense because this could go super diasasterly wrong. I expressed this opinion.
She said that her pastor said that living together doesn’t work and if you go into marriage knowing that it is forever than your marriage will last.
I was raised on that thinking too. I got married with that mindset. I’m sure my ex did too. Well, guess what? I’m divorced. It happens despite your best intentions.
Now I’m living happily in sin as it were. We’re committed to each other as much as if we were married. We aren’t married for a variety of legal and financial reasons and because we’ve both been there done that and know that a piece of paper does not magically solve any problems. People say to me, “Since you aren’t married you can just walk away if you get mad.” Nope.
Actually it was easier for my ex to walk away from my marriage than it would be for the SO and I to separate. The ex had the money to get an extra apartment. I’m too subborn to move if the SO tries to get rid of me. We have a dog in common. While the ex just left the animals I know there would be a custody battle over Freckles!
What keeps us together is the fact that we want to be together. It isn’t the hassle of the legal papers. By the time you get to that the hard work of divorce is done.
Hopefully I’ve got a few months to convince her that this isn’t the best advice she’s ever gotten for either one of them.