My plan to keep busy doesn’t mean that I am trying to suppress my grief. It merely gives me hope of having times when I am not wallowing in it.
Today for example, I worked from 9-12. I was doing fine. The minute I got in the car to leave that clinic I started to cry. There was no specific reason for crying right then. But, I let it out. It only lasted a minute or two. This is new for me. I’ve never really cried without a specific reason in mind. I tended to cry while I was repeating to myself whatever had done me wrong. I know that doing that made me hold onto my pain longer than was necessary because I kept it at the front of my mind. I didn’t let the feeling out and then move on.
From work I went to my friend’s house to use the long-arm quilting machine. I told her of the problems. I was fine. As soon as I got into the car to leave her house I started crying. This one lasted longer. When I drove into my driveway I was thinking that I didn’t have anything scheduled until Saturday morning. I didn’t quite know how to face 36 hours alone with my thoughts.
I came in and checked my email. Sitting there in the inbox was a message from one of the relief services I work for. They had a problem with a doctor at a clinic today and the clinic didn’t want him back. Is there any way I can work tomorrow afternoon? Because it is so far away and such short notice they are upping the hourly rate $18 from what I normally get.
I’ve worked for this service since 2000 and I have never had an emergency request to work the next day. (This is not the service that knows what is going on in my life, either.) I have never been paid as much as they are going to pay me. And the “so far away” part? It is far away from their headquarters but it is the next large town north of me. I can get there in less than an hour. That’s considered in my backyard in relief doctor travel terms.
I just started to laugh and cry when I saw the message. Someone is looking out for me. I actually had the thought a bit later of “How am I going to get all this stuff done before Saturday?” That made me laugh again.
Another bit of serendipity. While writing this I realized that Snowball was going to need food. I get her special food that only is sold in one store in one town around here. I don’t have time to get there before she’ll run out. I looked up where it is sold just in case they sell it in the town I’m going to tomorrow. Not only is it sold in TWO places, but one of the stores is less than two miles from where I’m working.
Little things like this go a long way towards helping me feel like everything is going to be ok again someday.