I’m having a rough morning. I’ve been thinking of my brain as two separate pieces. There is rational me who can list reasons why the husband and I are no longer suited to be long term partners. Then there is the emotional me who doesn’t care. She just wants her husband back. Rational me tells emotional me that the husband that she is imagining getting back isn’t real. She’s imagining the best parts of him combined into an imaginary person. It is a person he could be but that he doesn’t want to be.
The husband and I met here last night. The animals were happy to see him. That hurt because I miss him too. While we talked rational me was in full control. I could see that this was not the best situation for either of us. The word ‘narcissistic’ kept popping up in my brain as he talked only about himself and his work. But then as he was about to leave I got a little teary. I don’t even know how he knew. He was never that astute when we were living together. He came over to me and hugged me tight. We just stood there crying on each other. After a few minutes we said goodbye and I was ok. I went to watch a equine assisted therapy lesson as a potential volunteer.
But then I woke up at 5:00 this morning with emotional me out in full force. One of my main complaints about my marriage was that whenever I would be upset he would not be comforting. I repeatedly said that when I was crying I wanted him to hold me and let me cry. But that wasn’t something that he would do. He would rather I get myself together and then come talk to him. So most of the time I ended up crying because I felt so lonely and uncared for. Yesterday was exactly what I had been needing all of these years. Now emotional me is jumping up and down and screaming, “See! See! He can be there for you!” even though I know the reality better than that. What makes it worse is that he’s my best friend. So when I want comfort and a shoulder to cry on, I want him.
I know that I’m not in love with him anymore. But I still love him and he loves me. That’s what’s making this so hard. Sometimes I wish I hated him and never wanted to see him again. I think it might be easier.