Family

Rational vs. emotional

I’m having a rough morning. I’ve been thinking of my brain as two separate pieces. There is rational me who can list reasons why the husband and I are no longer suited to be long term partners. Then there is the emotional me who doesn’t care. She just wants her husband back. Rational me tells emotional me that the husband that she is imagining getting back isn’t real. She’s imagining the best parts of him combined into an imaginary person. It is a person he could be but that he doesn’t want to be.

The husband and I met here last night. The animals were happy to see him. That hurt because I miss him too. While we talked rational me was in full control. I could see that this was not the best situation for either of us. The word ‘narcissistic’ kept popping up in my brain as he talked only about himself and his work. But then as he was about to leave I got a little teary. I don’t even know how he knew. He was never that astute when we were living together. He came over to me and hugged me tight. We just stood there crying on each other. After a few minutes we said goodbye and I was ok. I went to watch a equine assisted therapy lesson as a potential volunteer.

But then I woke up at 5:00 this morning with emotional me out in full force. One of my main complaints about my marriage was that whenever I would be upset he would not be comforting. I repeatedly said that when I was crying I wanted him to hold me and let me cry. But that wasn’t something that he would do. He would rather I get myself together and then come talk to him. So most of the time I ended up crying because I felt so lonely and uncared for. Yesterday was exactly what I had been needing all of these years. Now emotional me is jumping up and down and screaming, “See! See! He can be there for you!” even though I know the reality better than that. What makes it worse is that he’s my best friend. So when I want comfort and a shoulder to cry on, I want him.

I know that I’m not in love with him anymore. But I still love him and he loves me. That’s what’s making this so hard. Sometimes I wish I hated him and never wanted to see him again. I think it might be easier.

8 Comments

  • eugen

    one more thing… hmmm, well, i am sending BIG HUGS too … BUT… the important thing is to be rational and emotional at the same time, meaning… not let emotional part of you to dominate your behavior and stuff, but try to see it how it is… and do something to improve the situation… and if you can’t, than there is nothing to be stressed about 🙂

    one more thing, i hope it does not sound weird, but buddhist philosophy is great when it comes to explaining emotions and stuff like that… maybe you could check it out ( they say that it’s all like a cycle in which we are wrapped up and the only way is to realize that everything that happens to you …good/bad… is just how you perceive things… and that the only way out is to relax and realize that it’s just like a dream… well, it’s not that easy, but the longer i see what is happening around me, the more i feel that it really makes sense all they say)

  • eugen

    Haha, i feel as if i was reading about myself. I am just 24,( not married yet and not really planning to in a next 6years, but who knows…;-) but i have experienced exactly the same thing.

    It’s a long story that is not that exciting to tell ( well, maybe a little 😉
    but i have exactly the same problem. I have or rather have had a great girlfriend. The problem was that she was rather carrier oriented ( as her dad is quite successful business man) and quite demanding on me as well. She is a great girl and i love her. But the problem is that she does not see me as a real me, but she wants someone else whom i am not. In other words, it seems that i am not good enough for her because of … i do not know what. Maybe because i am not very ambitious, hard-working and committed to work as she is. Well, in practice, i do not really care about work that much ( meaning i think work is only to get me my salary and spend some time with nice people maybe, nothing else)

    But everytime we get back together ( or when we were breaking up… well, she left me… but, we would cry like crazy…)
    She has even returned when i told her that i am leaving to norway for i do not know how long… so we slept together and we were crying like crazy while having sex… seems weird to me… but it’s just so hard not to feel bad when i see her.

    Well, i still have a hangover from yesterday, but i hope it makes sense what i just wrote 🙂
    I think that maybe you and your husband could try at least to make it work… couldn’t you?! if you love each other, just tell him that you love him and that you want to get back together and try to make it work… it’s a hard-work, but it’s not impossible 😉

    well, but … you should know better what you really know, but it was just my idea

  • Amie

    Oh Heather… I really am feeling your pain. My significant other is not a comforter (hugger) either. When I am upset, most times, all I want is a hug, but no matter how much I ask him he just cant be snuggly. I attribute my S.O.’s lack of comforting skills to his childhood. He was basically abandoned physically and emotionally by nearly every adult in his family. He never learned what I call “the power of a hug”. He thinks that if I start crying I want to be left alone and given space to “get over it”…. and I really want is to be held. Because of this I am so glad that my mother lives just across the road so I can’t get my hugs… and if it is an issue that I don’t want to bother mom with my friend Mary is a great hugger too.

    Just know that we are all keeping you in our thoughts and sending you lots of e-hugs.
    {{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}

  • Kati

    Goodness Heather….. wishing I had some good advice. I’m plum tapped right now though. Sending (((((HUGS))))) instead. And prayers for peace & comfort.

  • Julia

    I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. It is hard when someone isn’t capable of comforting their loved one when they are crying. I am glad you are finding fun things to do with your free time. You are in my thoughts!

  • quiltpixie

    Its hard to face the reality that “what might have been” was never going to “be”. Sounds like you’re grieving the loss of what might have been, not was in fact your marriage. Having to grieve the ending of that dream as well as the marriage at the same time is darn hard work….

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