In the course of discussing carpet today the husband asks, “How many do you want?” I answer, “one” because one color of carpet in a room is plenty.

Then he says, “Total?”

I say, “What are you talking about?”

He says, “How many kids?”

I give my stock answer to this question which is, “One at a time.”

He says, “Why?”

Why? Why? Why are we discussing this now? Haven’t we discussed this before? He picks two days before the homestudy visit to think maybe he wants to adopt multiple kids? I guess I should be happy that he didn’t bring it up for the first time during the visit. Then he starts pointing out kids to me. He picked a group of three kids at the theater and asked, “What if it was three kids like that?” I asked if he had gone insane in language that I really shouldn’t use once we have kids.

I always thought that we would adopt one now and then maybe adopt two together later. I thought that going from no kids to multiple kids wasn’t such a great idea. I thought he agreed. Maybe it is because he’s a middle child and a twin and I’m the oldest child that we have differing viewpoints on this. I was envisioning time spent playing with just one kid.

I know that it will be much easier to find kids in the age group we want if we open ourselves to sibling groups. I’m going to have to sleep on this. We’ll see if he even remembers this conversation tomorrow.

He brought up the idea that he could work from home again part-time. He mentioned that before. But when I brought it up about a month ago he said that there was no way he ever said that and that it was a crazy and impossible idea. When I reminded him today that he said it was impossible he decided that I was the one who was crazy. He never said that. I should carry a tape recorder around so I can remind him of what he really says.

3 Replies to “The husband’s view”

  1. I haven’t adopted, but I have been a foster parent. And I have to tell you that I found it incredibly difficult to handle more than one child. They both had different issues, and both needed a lot of attention. Then one who didn’t have a particular issue, would pick up the other’s issues. When I was complimenting one to increase her self-esteem, the other one said “What do you like about me?” and off we went talking about her, and while I did try to draw the conversation back to the first one, it didn’t work, and I didn’t accomplish with the first one what I wanted.
    My set of two were teenagers from completely different backgrounds – affluent white, and poor white.
    When I was a foster parent before, I only had younger children.
    My biggest problem with the whole thing was that my expectations for what to expect from the case workers as not accurate. One young one expected me to coddle the child (including letting her watch rated R movies), the other one neglected hers (after I asked for counseling a million times). If I hadn’t expected any support from them, maybe I wouldn’t have been so disillusioned as to quit.

    But since you are adopting, I can see the other side too. And maybe if you are getting more than one, it might make sense to have them at a time (unless you get babies), so that one doesn’t feel like you love the other one more. If that happens, then you will be tested at every turn.

  2. I can see both sides actually. If you’re only planning on parenting two kids then it would probably be easier to adopt them at the same time. But one at a time is also a realistic and common sense theary.

    If the decision was left to me, I would say go for the two/three/whatever all at the same time. But that’s because I feel *very* strongly that families should be kept together.

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