I spent four years earning my veterinary degree but at times I think I missed learning all the stuff that would really come in handy. Yesterday, I went to an office that I substitute at from time to time. One of the staff came up to me and started talking.

J: Oh, I’m really glad you’re here today.
Me: Thinking: Well, how nice to be appreciated.
J: I have a medical question that I wasn’t sure (their regular veterinarian) could answer but I remembered that you would be here today so I waited to ask you.
Me: Thinking: Great! She thinks I’m smart and a good vet. What is it?
J: What’s vagina cream?

(I just like to take this moment to apologize to everyone who found this site while searching for porn because of that last statement. That’s as exciting as it gets here.)

Me: Uh, I’m not really sure. Why?
J: I saw it on Oprah. She had this lady on who was 60 but you’d never believe it and she said that every day she uses vagina cream on her face and Preperation H around her eyes. If she looks that good I want vagina cream too. But I didn’t want to go ask the guy at the store what it was so I decided to wait and ask you. Do you think it’s the stuff we use on thermometers?
Me: Having visions of K9 jelly being the fountain of youth I don’t think so.
J: Oh, because they make that stuff so it warms up as you rub it on. I was thinking it would feel toasty.

By this time we’re both laughing hysterically but we’re no closer to solving the mystery of vagina cream. We worked on it between appointments. I finally Googled vaginal cream and found a non-medicated version. I was amazed when I read the ingredients – deionized water, aloe, coconut oil, grapeseed extract, goldenseal, and other herbs. It probably is great for your skin. J found out that you can buy it by the case on that site so she was having visions of giving vaginal cream to every woman she knows for Christmas.

It’s is slightly scary to think about but I had a similar sort of conversation the day before at another office. I was discussing how to treat a fungal infection on the eyelid of a rabbit.

Him: We don’t have anything great to treat it with but I think this is best. It’s a liquid so if it gets in the eye it can be flushed out. If we use something like gynolotrimin it can’t be flushed out of the eye.
Me: I got gynolotrimin in my eye once. It didn’t hurt.
Him: Perking up and showing much more interest in the conversation now How exactly did that happen?
Me: I was treating a nasal aspergillosis (fungus in the nose) in a pointer. I was pulling the medicine into a syringe when the side of the syringe broke and all the medicine went all over me. Messy but it didn’t hurt.
Him: Visibly disappointed that this was still a medical discussion and not something to submit to Penthouse Ok then. I’m giving this to the rabbit.

7 Replies to “What they don’t teach you in school…”

  1. EvenI would like the name of the vaginal cream that made that 60 year old lady look like she was in her 30s. Even i have seen the show many years bk. and I have often wondered how to get right name of the product. Or is it true any vaginal cream that is safe for the vagina is safe for the face too?
    Please let me know. Thanks, Rama.

  2. What is funny here is that I saw that on Oprah quite some time ago too and was telling my mum about it the other day. She works at a medical Centre and I said “ask the pharmacist for me what vagina cream is good for the face”. She said “I don’t think so”. So I decided to look on Google too!! This is where I came across you who saw the same thing. I would really like to know what this cream is so I can just go and purchase it. If you do know the actual name I am most interested.

  3. When you’re not chaste below the waist,
    And feeling sorta edgy,
    Try Heather’s new conditioning paste:
    “The Medicinal Wedgie”

  4. Bag balm is great stuff! I use that on my lips all the time. I should have my own beauty show selling Preparation H, vaginal cream, and bag balm.

  5. Y’know, someone in western Kansas, said that she used “bag-balm” and that it made her “good-as-new.”

  6. HAHAHAAHHAAH! I’ve heard of the Prep H thing but not the vagina cream! LOL That’s hilarious. It’s even more hilarious to picture you (or anyone for that matter!) googling “Vagina cream.” HAhahaha

    You’re so smarT!

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