I woke up this morning at 4:00 AM just knowing that staying married was the wrong thing to do. That’s big coming from a girl raised conservative Christian where staying married is always the right thing to do unless you were getting beaten or cheated on.

Then the panic starts but the panic is over finances, major life changes, etc. It is not about him. That’s what I need to keep remembering. My major fears are not about life without his love.

When I take action I feel better. I know that if I stay busy I will do better. Problem? I’ve been downsizing my schedule in preparation for adoption. I’m crazy busy this week and then sort of slow. So at some ungodly hour of the morning I’m emailing a relief service that I’ve worked for in the past. I say that my Mondays have opened up. Do they have anything available. I’m a bit worried about this because I feel I’ve been a bit flaky with these people in the past. I say I want to work and schedule several days and then after that I don’t contact them again. They pay incredibly well but are high maintenance and I haven’t been motivated enough to work with them. I suddenly find myself motivated. The initial response came back that they were glad to hear from me but they only had a few Mondays for the rest of the year. So I bit the bullet and sent back the whole truth. I apologized for getting personal but that my husband and I were separating and I needed the both money and the distraction. I gave them a list of available days for September and October and within a few hours they had filled almost all of them.

Then I was on my way to town and decided to visit the hospice center that I have been wanting to volunteer at for a while. They had extensive training once a year that I could never attend. Today, the volunteer coordinator was there and they have changed their training to a workbook and some one on one time with workers at the volunteer’s convenience. I need to focus on others so I don’t risk getting so wrapped up in my own drama that I can’t find a way out. I also need to meet people in the area. Later I remembered a local therapeutic riding center that I should also contact. I won’t be able to give huge amounts of time to either if I am working a lot but any bit is good.

I’ve had some other insights too but I’m tired (hey, good sign!) and I have a quilt backing to get ready to take to my friend’s house tomorrow.